


Jesus is Coming - Look Human

by FunkyWashingMachine



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alien Culture, Aliens, Art, Atheism, Christianity, Churches & Cathedrals, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Gen, Humor, Internet, Meepmorp, Music, Religion, Roman Catholicism, Shipping, Theft, Weird Fluff, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkyWashingMachine/pseuds/FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Lapis and Peridot discover Jesus.





	1. Chapter 1

“Lapis, we have to get ready!” Peridot waltzed in. “Jesus is coming!”  
“What?” Lapis looked up from her book.  
“It says it right here!” Peridot gesticulated wildly at the headline on her tablet. “Listen to this: ‘Sometime soon, Jesus will come knocking at your door! Those who welcome him in will be saved… those who deny him will suffer ETERNAL DEATH!’ So that means when Jesus comes, we have to let him in, or else!”  
“You really want to let a stranger in here?”  
“You DON’T? When ETERNAL DEATH waits for you???”  
“What do they mean by ‘eternal death?’”  
“I don’t really know,” Peridot admitted, tapping a button that read ‘Click for more Jesus!’ “But it sounds pretty bad. We should start cleaning up before he gets here.”  
“Yeah, I’ll start when you tell me more about this human,” Lapis glanced around, unconvinced. “I’m not moving the morps.”  
“Well, I’ve been reading up on the subject!” Peridot declared proudly. “He’s a really important human who hates filth! Do we have a broom?”  
“No.”  
“Hmph. That might present a problem.”  
“Why do you care so much about some human?”  
“Oh, well, listen! You’ll LOVE this part!!!” Peridot queued up another page. “He’s a human FROM SPACE!”  
“From space?”  
“Yep!” Peridot shoved the tablet toward Lapis, the page on it blaring ‘Jesus, King of the Heavens.’  
“Wow…” Lapis breathed, a bit more subdued. “Do you think he’s been to Homeworld?”  
“Well, we can ask him when he gets here!” Peridot professed.  
Lapis snorted and put down her book. “Okay. So, when exactly is Jesus coming?”  
“Hang on a moment,” Peridot said as she googled the time and date of Jesus’ arrival. “Looks like Jesus only comes on Thursdays, so we have most of the week to prepare!”  
“Right. And how long will he be staying?”  
“Oh, isn’t that obvious, Lapis? He’s going to stay until the Thursday after THAT so he can go to the next person’s dwelling!”  
“Do you suppose that will be Steven’s?” Lapis asked. “Maybe we should tell him to get ready too.”  
“They have Garnet, they don’t need our help,” Peridot said with a flick of the wrist. Lapis began to gather some loose items off the floor.  
“So, does Jesus need to sleep like a normal human? We should probably clear a space for him.”  
“He can stay on the floor, he’s slept in worse places than that. There was this one time that humans put him in the ground until he reformed, so by comparison he’ll probably be very impressed with our floor!”  
“I didn’t know humans can reform.”  
“Well, you learn something every day, Lazuli! All the humans are training themselves to become like Jesus, so soon they’ll all be able to do ALL the stuff that he does! Like walk across large bodies of water without falling in!”  
“That’s… not very impressive.”  
“I bet Steven has mastered it already,” Peridot said.  
“You think we should dig Jesus a hole in case he needs to reform again?”  
“No, Lapis! You have to have FAITH in Jesus! You have to believe he is strong enough not to poof while he’s here! Otherwise he’ll be very insulted and we’ll go to eternal damnation.”  
“Okay, so how else should we get ready for him to come?”  
“Well, cleaning the barn is the first step,” Peridot said, using her metal powers to shove everything into one corner. “Phew! There!”  
“What’s the next step, then?” Lapis asked.  
Peridot scrolled through some more pages of divine wisdom.  
“Hmm. ‘Forgiveness is key to letting Jesus into your heart,’” she cited. “‘Start forgiving others of the wrong they have done you, and your meeting with Jesus will be a pleasant one!’”  
“Okay, Peridot,” Lapis began, “I forgive you for that time you put a dead fish in my hair.”  
“I TOLD YOU, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”  
“And I told you I forgive you,” Lapis winked.  
“Okay,” Peridot huffed. “And I forgive you for breaking my tape recorder.”  
“No you don’t. You’re just saying that.”  
“Of course I’m just saying that!!! But I have to say it or Jesus won’t be happy!”  
“Sounds like a pretty strange guy,” Lapis scoffed.  
“Don’t you think you have… a little more forgiving to do?” Peridot asked hesitantly.  
“No.”  
“Really? Because I bet I could list a LOT of things that you’re still…” She caught the look from Lapis. “You know what, you’re right, you’ve moved past all that.”  
“So, are we ready for Jesus now?”  
“Hang on a moment, Lapis,” Peridot halted her as she scrolled through beatinmabible.com. “Getting ready for Jesus…. this one says that you have to go to Jesus’ house and pray at him first.”  
“Pray?”  
“You know, pray is in ‘pray tell.’ They didn’t program you with a lot of language skill, did they?”  
Lapis flicked Peridot on the shoulder.  
“Ow! I suppose digit strength is where THAT all went, huh?” Peridot clutched her injury.  
Lapis smirked. “‘Pray’ let me borrow the tablet and find out where he lives.”  
Peridot handed Lapis the tablet with her surviving limb.  
“Let’s see here…” Lapis mused. “Jesus’ house… Jesus’ house…”  
Peridot sank to the floor. Lapis ruffled her hair. “You’re okay.”  
A bit of googling went by before Lapis announced, “Found it!”  
“Where is it?” Peridot peered up.  
“In Ocean Town,” Lapis knelt down with the tablet. “Not too far from here.”  
“‘Blessed House of Jesus Christ,’” Peridot read, clicking for street view. “Wow, nice barn he has.”  
“So, what do you think? We gonna go visit?”  
“Only if we want ETERNAL DEATH to pass us by!”  
“I’m taking it from your tone that you’re not interested in eternal death,” Lapis smiled wryly.  
“Oh, I’m sure it’s a fascinating area of study,” Peridot countered. “Just not one I’d want to research firsthand. Let’s go.”  
And so began their pilgrimage to the Blessed House of Jesus Christ.


	2. Chapter 2

They entered the church with a distinct lack of reverence.  
“Wow! Jesus has some cool morps!” Peridot shouted into the echoing space. Their footsteps clattered off the walls like marbles.  
“Is that… Blue Diamond?” Lapis pointed at a colored window.  
“My stars, I’d say it is!” Peridot declared. “I guess he HAS been to Homeworld!”  
“Do you think they know each other well?”  
“Hmph. Probably not, if THAT’S as accurate a representation as he can muster,” Peridot decided. “He should at least know that Blue Diamond is, you know, BLUE.”  
They looked at each other and laughed.  
“What’s with all this furniture?”  
“Maybe it’s part of a grander morp,” Peridot speculated. “This whole BARN looks like one giant morp!”  
“I kind of like that one,” Lapis indicated a wall hanging.  
“Eesh, really? That gory one?”  
Lapis shrugged. “It looks like someone who understands.”  
“Maybe you can ask Jesus to make you one like it when he visits.”  
“Maybe,” Lapis said. “You’re sure Jesus doesn’t mind us showing up at his house when he’s out?”  
“Of course, Lapis! We were instructed to come here, and now we’re here! He’ll be thrilled that we researched his morps before he came to see us! That’s called knowing your audience!”  
“I sort of thought we were HIS audience,” Lapis said.  
They were startled by the door bursting open behind them.  
“Jesus? Is that you?” Peridot called.   
A human entered through the door, followed by a couple more humans, all doing a strange hand signal. They stared at Lapis and Peridot for a moment before filing into a row of seats.  
“Well, they can’t ALL be Jesus,” Peridot said sullenly.  
“Peridot, let’s get out of here,” Lapis hissed, taking her by the shoulder.  
Music started pouring from somewhere unseen, and more humans began filtering through the doors.   
“Wait, Lapis.” Peridot touched her hand. “All these humans… they’re coming here to get ready for Jesus, too… it’s kind of sweet when you think about it.”  
“Well, I’m just a BIT uncomfortable with all these earthlings in here,” Lapis said a trifle too loudly.  
“Hey!” snapped a baggy-looking human who had just walked in. “You come in here, you show your RESPECT!”  
Lapis and Peridot shrank back and saluted. The human gave them a disdainful look before heading for a seat.  
“And maybe that’s WHY,” Lapis whispered sharply to Peridot.  
“Don’t you want to see how the humans pray tell to Jesus?” Peridot whispered back.  
“Not really, but I’m only staying because YOU’RE here.”  
“Well, the music is nice,” Peridot said. Lapis didn’t look like she was about to deny THAT.  
After a few more verses and humans, a very special-looking human came over from the far side of the room. His clothing had the look of morps about it.  
“Do you suppose that’s Jesus?” Lapis whispered.  
“No, Jesus wears sandals,” Peridot answered.  
“Father Douglas!” someone said as he reached their side of the room. “We have some new faces today!”  
“New faces on old bodies!” the not-quite-Jesus addressed them. “Well, that joke doesn’t work on folks YOUR age,” he added.  
“And also it’s not funny,” Peridot muttered.  
“Welcome, welcome,” he continued. “I hope you two find Christ in our lovely church.”  
“Wow, thanks. But actually, we’re just getting ready for him to come to our barn.”  
Father Douglas looked a bit confused but said, “Well, He has been known to spend time in barns, I suppose! But you know, you can’t just WAIT for Jesus to come to you. You have to seek Him out on purpose.” He turned to Lapis. “It’s so good that you’re bringing your little girl here, especially if her father’s not in the picture. We’ll see that she gets a good Christian upbringing.”  
He put a hand on Peridot’s forehead. “Lord, bless this child.”  
“Gak! Don’t touch that, you clod!”  
A spray of water whipped Father Douglas in the face. Lapis put her hand innocently behind her back when he looked her way.  
“Well, I guess we are BOTH blessed, little sister,” Father Douglas laughed to Peridot after a moment of befuddlement. Peridot did not laugh, as none of this was funny. “Please, take a seat,” he gestured to the long wooden chairs.  
“You okay?” Lapis whispered as they sat down.  
“Yeah,” Peridot grumbled, rubbing her gem. “Where did that water come from, though?”  
“I saw it by the door on the way here.”  
“Well, that was nice of Jesus to leave that for us.”  
A bell rang from the back of the room and all the humans stood up.  
“Um… should we stand up too?” Lapis asked.  
“No. Father Douglas told us to sit, and we’re sitting.”  
The music suddenly picked up, and all the humans began to sing. The acoustics proved more impressive than Peridot and Lapis had considered.  
“Wow,” Peridot said. “Steven never plays music like THIS.”  
They sat mystified as the song washed around them. They didn’t understand much, something about a hill far away and an old rugged cross and an emblem of suffering and shame.  
“Exchange it for a crown?” Peridot guffawed. “That trade sounds highly imbalanced.” She looked to Lapis for affirmation, but Lapis wasn’t looking back. She was staring ahead with a very rare look on her face. Peridot opted not to disturb her and instead curled around her tablet.  
Things got a lot more boring when the music stopped. Father Douglas, it seemed, could go on talking for a very long time, while the humans couldn’t seem to decide if they’d rather stand or sit.  
“So today, Jesus tells us the Parable of the Ten Virgins,” Father Douglas droned.   
“Okay, it was better when they were singing,” Lapis finally looked at Peridot.  
“Agreed.” Peridot missed Lapis’ eyes as she tweeted, “AT LEAST JESUS DOESN’T MAKE YOU PAY ATTENTION AT HIS HOUSE #BORING”   
“Jesus’ story teaches us just how important it is to be ready when he comes for us. Will you be like the five wise virgins, who brought oil for their lamps, or will you be one of the five foolish virgins who came unprepared?”  
“Peridot, do we have oil at home?”  
“Probably, we’ll just have to take it out of the truck.”  
The nearest person handed them a basket filled with human currency.  
“Wow, thanks.” Peridot floated two nickels and started clicking them together. The sound didn’t seem to affect Father Douglas, but the nearby humans cringed each time the rhythm changed.  
A few speeches later, and it seemed the humans had suddenly taken an interest in what Father Douglas was saying. Or, at least, they had a scripted reply for him.  
“Lapis! I’ve cracked the code!” Peridot whispered excitedly after a few rounds. “The next time he talks, we’re going to say, ‘Lord hear our prayer!’”  
“Maybe YOU are, but I’m not,” Lapis rolled her eyes.  
“That all may resist temptations brought about by the devil, be they of the flesh or the spirit, we pray to the Lord.”  
“LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER!" Peridot said with much more fervor than the rest of the congregation.  
“For the sanctity of marriage, that our Lord may protect the bond of one man and one woman and see that those who commit sodomy be punished, we pray to the Lord.”  
“What’s sodomy?” Lapis whispered to Peridot.   
“I’m looking it up right now,” Peridot whispered back. “Jesus has slow wifi. Okay, here. ‘Sodomy: the act of…’” She blanched.  
“The act of what?” Lapis pressed.  
“Uhhh…”  
“Let me see.”  
Peridot wordlessly handed her the tablet. Lapis surveyed the page carefully.  
“Oh, that sounds awesome! Why doesn’t Jesus like that?”   
Peridot sank into her seat, more flushed than a clogged toilet.  
“If Jesus doesn’t like sodomy, maybe *I* don’t like JESUS!” Lapis went on, a bit louder. Several parishioners turned their heads while Peridot died quietly.   
She remained a burbling blob on the pew until Father Douglas raised a small flaky object.  
“This is Jesus, present here on our altar. Happy are those who are called to his supper.”  
Peridot jumped to her feet, suddenly revitalized. “HI, TINY JESUS! WE’LL DIG A HOLE FOR YOU TO REFORM IN!”   
Father Douglas snapped Jesus in half. Peridot and Lapis were horrified.  
“He… SHATTERED him?” Lapis gasped.  
“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO JESUS???” Peridot shouted. The humans all seemed rather disturbed. Even Father Douglas paused for a moment.  
“Peridot, sit down, it’s okay,” Lapis nervously tried to comfort her. “We’ll just get Steven to heal him and everything will be fine.”  
Father Douglas ate Jesus.  
“WHAT DID YOU JUST DO???” Lapis joined in Peridot’s uproar. “NOW JESUS WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REFORM!”  
“Take THAT, Father Douglas!” Peridot yelled as she flung her nickels across the hall. One embedded itself into a tall candle and the other broke a window with Blue Diamond’s image.  
The congregation stared bewilderedly at them.  
“Let’s leave and never come back!” Peridot said to Lapis.  
“Definitely!” Lapis agreed. She summoned her wings and leapt to the grisly statue on the wall. “But first, I’m taking THIS with me!”  
All was quiet in the church as Peridot and Lapis made off with their solid brass crucifix.

“Mmmm… a little higher,” Lapis directed Peridot hanging the new morp on the wall. “Put it where you can’t reach it from the ground.”  
“Yeah, those humans might try to come back for it,” Peridot agreed.  
“Right there! That’s perfect.”  
Peridot mentally guided a nail into the wall and hung the figure on it. “Just wait until Steven sees! He’ll be so excited that we have an original piece by Jesus!”  
“It’s a shame about what Father Douglas did,” Lapis said. “I really wanted to ask Jesus about Homeworld.”  
“True,” Peridot replied. “But, on the bright side, now we won’t miss his visit and suffer eternal death!”  
Lapis smiled. “Yeah, and it’s kind of nice not to have to share the barn with him. And, to think he doesn’t even like sodomy… I don’t think he’d be very happy here.”  
“That’s an implication, I know it is.”  
Lapis chuckled and brushed Peridot’s cheek.  
“Amen.”

**Author's Note:**

> Unable to bear the thought of waiting until 2017 for more Steven Universe, I bestow you with some Lapidot.


End file.
